About Denial - a personal insight

"My old friend Denial,
wraps around me tight
n' warm, useen, unknown, unfelt.
Below my radar, how can it be
that others can see
what I cannot and how
can it be that my friend
hides from me that which will
hurt so deep and tear me apart?"

I wrote this when we stayed with my mum.

I didn't want to think that she was dying or was in pain,
or even that she was miserable. I went into denial.

And denial has many I discovered!

I would go into anaesthesia denial - and drift around the place, not really knowing what was going on.

I would also go into steamroller denial - that was where I would steadfastly ignore that anything was wrong and start trying to motivate her, get her to do courses, get her out and about.

And then there was siege denial - the doctors were wrong, the medication was wrong - noone could see what I could see with her - what's wrong with everyone?

I'm back in New Zealand now - I talk with my mum by phone every day. My denial takes on all sorts of different forms - it seems to be intrinsically formless and shifts shape and strategies readily.

For me, the only attitude I can take is to automatically assume that I'm in denial no matter what I feel.

And that, strangely enough, feels okay.

I seem to be wearing my denial like a piece of clothing - something that's important for me to be aware of, but something that is after all, separate from me and the reality around me.

Email Mike...

1 comment:

Deb Robertson Writes said...

Do you are writing as if denial is a bad thing. It's a protective mechanism that we as humans use to survive, to keep going and to adapt to a changing environment. I think the kind of denial you are writing about is a part of our human experience, otherwise the pain of our existence would cause us to give up all hope and stop adapting to what is going on around us. I think denial is like the board we use to surf the waves we find ourselves in.